Raising a Nuero-Divergent Child, The Beginnings:

The day my son arrived into my arms was one of transformation.  Like many parents, we rushed to the hospital and despite a painful and exhausting process, we had a relatively easy birth.  We watched through a mirror as his tiny little head and face emerged into the light of the delivery room, and he was so active and loud the doctors placed him directly on my chest: my serotonin levels soured to levels I had never felt before.  

My healthy little child was born and I was so love that I forgot to ask his gender, finally my mom who helped support us during delivery asked if the doctor checked between his legs.  I had a perfect little son who filled my heart beyond anything I thought possible.  He was strong and healthy, he passed all the test requirements needed to head home and after two nights and lots of visitors he took his first car ride back to our home where we were greeted with a full refrigerator, a homemade birth-day cake, and more love than anyone could ask for: being the first grandchild gave him a special place in so many hearts!

As a baby he was a unicorn: he loved to nurse, took a bottle easily, slept a solid 8 hours by 7 weeks, and loved snuggles.  As he grew older, he never developed stranger danger and would go with anyone willing to snuggle him.  He was an easily baby, much easier than my friend's had, and we felt so lucky.  Actually we felt like really great parents: we had been raising a dream baby, so obviously we knew what we were doing.

As he grew older and started eating there wasn't a food he didn't want to try!  He was such a great eater and always super curious.  He met every milestone the doctor shared, and whenever we had playdates (about once a week) he was never hesitant to share toys or allow other toddlers to take things from him.  He was sweet and mellow and loved everyone.

Two months before he turned two, he was on the playground and fell off the structure hitting his head.  He had stepped off a platform and was too little to reach the next step about 18" away.  It was one of the scariest day's of my life.  Heads bleed so much!  And to this day I can still recall him falling just 4 feet away from him, unable to stop.  He didn't loose consciousness, he happily sucked down an applesauce pouch while I tried to stop the blood so we could drive to the ER where he received 3 staples and a fancy gauze hat to protect the infection.  All the doctors and nurses loved him, he was the best patient, and they said he was fine to go home but to do a concussion watch overnight: waking him constantly to check that he's okay, and he was.  There were no side-effects that we could see. 

Just before he was 2.5 he started having a-typical behaviors, he didn't want to play with the other kids at the playdates: he liked being off by himself and seemed okay with it.  At dinner times he started screaming as loud as he could, sometimes at the start of the meal, sometimes at the end of the meal, and despite the inconsistency of the screaming, it happened consistently almost every day for nearly 6 months.  Needless to say, going out to restaurants was less than fun.

As we welcomed our younger son into our lives around this time, his behaviors started to escalate.  He ran away at parks and parking lots and anywhere else he was supposed to be confined, and he didn't look back.  During all of my child phycology classes I learned about attachment theories and the best outcome a parent could have is a child who's confident enough to wander, but also looks back to check in.  Our son never looked back, he ran full speed ahead, often into dangerous situations like in front of a city bus.  Terrifying, frustrating, and overwhelming doesn't describe it. 

We consulted with experts and they said "set better boundaries, offer rewards, make expectations clear before leaving the house."  We did all of that and it didn't matter.  We talked to his pediatrician, but because he was meeting the milestones this running away wasn't of concern.  We talked to a therapist who said we should never let go of his hand when we are out in public, not even for a moment.  We went to a parenting toddler support group with a phycologist, and she said it's a phase he'll soon grow out of with time: it was probably due to the arrival of the baby.  We tried all of the suggestions and it didn't matter to our son, he was set on running away and we didn't know why. 

At birthday parties, while all the other kids were enjoying the bubble man's demonstration and following the group in a scavenger hunt, our son was racing as far away from the crowds as possible. He had big reactions to gatherings that other kids seemed to love!  While at the playground with his preschool classmates, they would engage in a game of tag or imaginative play, but our son would want to spin around and around on the tire swing staying away from the group and rarely even acknowledging their presence.  He seemed to be growing more anti-social, and we didn't know why. 

In the cold winter months we had really amazing wool socks and cozy sweaters that he refused to put on, as we dressed him he would scream in discomfort.  The sensory overload of the textures is what finally clued me in that this was something that I could do something about.  I had students in the past who had tactile issues, so I had seen this before and was ready to take action.  Finally I found something that I could help him with!

As soon as he turned 3, I called a reputable Pediatric Occupational Therapy Clinic which happened to be only 6 blocks from our home.  I described his struggles and they said he has sensory processing disorder and they could help.  Relief and concern rolled through my body in ways I hadn't felt before, the idea of having a program to follow, a support person to help us, but also an issue that my son had to deal with - it was a lot. 

After their assessments and our numerous questionnaires, they determined that loud noises, large gatherings, and new settings set off his "fight or flight" reflex, which for him was strongly weighed in flight: he ran from anything he perceived as a threat, even the bubble guy at a birthday party.  They also determined that he had tactile defensiveness, which is why he disliked certain fabrics, stayed away from the sandbox, and steered clear of play dough or slim.  The more they described his sensory profile, the more our son made sense to us.  He was physically uncomfortable with things that we didn't understand and couldn't relate to, but we had a support team that could help him. 

Post-It Notes

If you're a parent and you don't carry post-it notes with you in your purse, backpack, fanny pack, or car here's where you're missing out:

1 - Most public bathrooms have automatic flushers that are super loud and unexpected: put a post-it over the sensor and when you're done just take it away to make it a manual flush. 

2 - Post-it notes are just like stickers that won't ruin furniture or paint or clothes (washing a post-it note won't leave residue like a sticker, trust me I've tried it). 

3 - Younger kids love post-it notes for hide and seek, putting on and taking off, and all the other fun weird things that little kids are enthralled by.

4 - Older kids love post-it notes for writing notes, drawing pictures, using a bookmarks, and for learning.  Ask any teacher of second grade or above about using post-its for reading workshops - critical learning tool right there!

Here's your friendly reminder to throw a pack in your bag and know your next meal out or time spent waiting in line or bathroom excursion will be SO much better.

Exhausted Like Nothing Before

 When I was in college I would pull all nighters for my art finals and feel totally fine for the rest of the day, the delirium driving my enthusiasm for the day.  In my post-grad work I was teaching in the classroom all day followed by classes for my two credentials often staying up past midnight to finish a lesson plan and still get into the classroom by 7am.  Again, I pushed through the days without issues and even showed up regularly for happy hour at the end of the week.  I thrived on being busy and easily worked through exhaustion. . . . until I had my boys.

There's no exhaustion like parent exhaustion and I haven't been able to figure out why until recently.  But I think I'm finally starting to grasp the concept: 

As newborn parents we're tired because of the lack of sleep with a crying baby and midnight feedings: it's inevitable and a known thing, but it's still exhausting.  Then you have a toddler, each tough night is followed by "well, it's probably teething, lets do Motrin tomorrow."  But, then the teeth come in and they still wake up randomly: they need water, a snack, a snuggle, and the awful nightmares about a Leprechaun breaking into their bedroom.  This cycle goes on and off throughout the first six years (probably longer, but I'm not past this phase yet).  You never know when you'll be woken up at midnight, 3am, or 4am, and if you're lucky sometimes they'll let you sleep past 6am.

But, why is this so exhausting?  It's because it's completely unpredictable!  You could have done everything right: swim lessons followed by the trampoline park and then a playdate with an amazing filling dinner before bed, but they don't care. There's no guarantee that you're going to actually sleep once you lay your head down for the night.  The unpredictability is exhausting!

Once you get beyond the night time wake up issues and commit to your fate of an 8pm bedtimes in hopes that you can pieces together 8 hours of sleep in a 10 hour window, you'll be better off.  Your household tasks will still be there at 6am, you probably won't get solo time with your spouse, or nights out with your friends, or any quiet moments just for yourself, BUT you'll get the sleep you so desperately need.  Until you don't because they get sick . . . 

As a self diagnosed type-A person, I thrive on being busy and tackling my to-do list.  I love checking those little boxes and it actually brings me joy to add things knowing I'll tackle them sooner than later.  Except when you don't, because sometimes you won't when you have croup or pneumonia or the stomach bug, or any number of other fun infections that will inevitably pop up without warning. You have to wake up to cancel your day, your week, and all the lovely items on your to-do list.   The unpredictability is exhausting!

If you are somebody who can homeschool (even as a master teacher, that's not for me) and skip all the extra-curricular activities, keep your kids at home and away from high-touch surfaces like playgrounds, you might be able to skip the inevitable viruses going around the schools.  Otherwise, be sure to have lots of Motrin and Honey on hand: inhalers, humidifiers, and cough syrups are in constant rotation over here. 

Now that we've tackled sleep and illnesses, lets dive into the mood swings and behaviors.  Of course we know that toddlers are unpredictably exhausting: they want the banana but definitely not the way you handed it to them!  It's an emotional rollercoaster each day with a 2 year old, but it's supposed to get easier after that, right?  Wrong!  As they get older their opinions get stronger and you still can't reason rationally with a 3 year old.  

Now, as a mom of a neurodivergent kiddo, this unpredictability comes into play daily at age 6.5.  Just when all my friends are saying how great of a phase their kid is in (independent at many things but still loves to cuddle), we haven't gotten there yet.  We are in the constant phase of being triggered by unexpected things and unreliable reactions to simple requests or transitions.  Some days are great, some are okay, and others are really really tough.  The unpredictability is exhausting!

In conclusion, if you're a parent in any phase and you're exhausted: you're not alone.  The constant theme (at least in the first 6.5 years) is that life with kids is unstable, its ever changing, and because of that, it's really exhausting. 

How is it that a tired kid can just fall asleep?  It's a super power that I don't posess!